Match.Com

I set-up a Match.com account. I don’t know why.  Well, I do. I need someone to tell me they think I’m pretty. It’s not that you guys aren’t great, but you guys saying “you’re smart, or you’re pretty” is exactly like having your Mom or your favorite aunt say it. It’s not that I don’t trust your words, but you’re biased, and let’s face it, are you really ever going to say, “damn, eww…” when it comes to me? If you are, then wow, where were you raised? I thought we were friends?

I did it because over a year ago I lost my best friend. There’s a gigantic hole that forms when you lose a spouse, but it’s made even bigger when it’s also the closest person to you. People don’t mention that when your husband dies, you lose your identity. I’m no longer a wife. I’m no longer someone’s best friend. I’m just that lady who lives alone with her cat. I spiral a bit. That’s the hard stuff I think about and face each day. I find I watch happy couples with great envy and a sense of complete loss.  At nearly 50 I recognize every great guy is taken, and the ones that aren’t have better going on than a lonely fat girl. I go through the motions of getting dressed each day with the realization that when I walk into the living room no one will ever say I look pretty, and no one will ever hug me with great love in their hearts.

So I joined, and people said I had a pretty face, and that was nice.  And about the time I thought, “this is all really flattering” the creepers emerged, which turned “this is nice” to “this is kind of creepy”.  From the guy who writes every day, “Hi! Hello! Hi! Good morning! Hi! Good evening! Hello! Hi! Hi beautiful! Hi!” To the guy who changed his ideal woman to exactly match my description and then thought it would be cheeky (???) to chastise me for not writing back with a “naughty girl” message. I responded by tap dancing on his head a bit. He apologized and offered to slink away. Then there was the one hot guy. I mean seriously good looking, who sent a form manifesto (turns out that’s a thing) on how he is estranged from his family, is a widower, and hoped I never experienced such loss. Umm… my profile actually leads with, “I’m a widow.” So, points off for not reading. More points off for not writing coherent sentences.  Then there was a guy who said the last thing he read was “[his] paycheck.”  Ummm… nope! That’s when I started really reading the bios, and got the feeling that these guys would prefer to date a mindless doll.  That’s also when I realized I needed to re-do my profile, because “I like movies” wasn’t cutting it.

I’m re-posting it here, because you guys know me best. Help me make this stronger realizing we only have 4000 characters to make a point/sell my “stellar” qualities.

 A week ago I wrote a small profile to give the briefest of summaries of who I am. Today I’m starting fresh: I am a recent widow. A year ago I lost not only my husband, but my best friend and favorite person in the entire world. I’m not looking to get married at this point. If there is that soulmate out there for me again, they’ll have to live up to a pretty high standard (and make it past a slew of relatives, friends, and my in-laws, who are very much in my life). I’m looking for friendship/companionship.

About me: I like writing, movies, and computer games. I like having my friends over for our board game/card days. I’m not talking Parcheesi or Hearts, I’m talking Betrayal at the House on the Hill, Ticket to Ride, and Munchkin – those types of games. In my free time I help a local theater group as an assistant director/production assistant, I produce films for short film fests, I’m on the board for a local non-profit. I’ve written, directed, and filmed my own sketch comedy pieces. So, when I say I have a sense of humor I mean I’ve gotten on stage and performed improv/sketch pieces live, and I’ve written for other shows.I once made this one person laugh; it was a great day.

I was raised by social workers, which has affected my political views. I’m liberal. Maybe more a conservative liberal, but liberal none-the-less. If you voted for Trump, we will never get along. I’m not saying you have to like the other choice, but you should at least have a soft spot for Bernie.

When I first started reading profiles, I was shocked at the number of folks who wrote some very specific/prescriptive things about the kind of women they were seeking. I had a few “wow, ok dude good luck with that” moments. Then I realized over this one week that I have my own quirks, so in a nutshell:

  • If you’re the kind of guy who speaks about women in generalities, as in “you know women… women this, women that,” we probably won’t get along. I see people as people, and men as individuals, not a pack you can apply a one-size-fits-all stereotype to.
  • Also, don’t be the guy who says “I don’t want drama” in a way that makes me think you believe only women can create drama. Hoooo boy, guys can also be pretty dramatic. So, surprisingly enough I don’t want drama either. I’m too old for that.
  • If you’re the kind of guy who flips out that I haven’t written. First off, I’m busy. Between work, volunteering, and taking care of friends/family I’m not loitering on this site. * If you edit the type you’re looking for to match me, then I may think that’s a bit odd. Like whomever you like; it doesn’t have to mirror what I’ve written down. I was one person’s ideal. I’m ok with that.
  • If you need someone to control, I’m not the person for you. I have a lot going on, and I’m a grown-up.
  • I’m not a sports fan, but I’m ok if you are as long as when your team loses it doesn’t wreck your day. If you’re angry about a loss the rest of the evening, then I’m not the person for you.
  • We all have varied opinions, but I’m looking for someone who, if they don’t like something, will have experienced it first. The whole “I’ve never done this/seen that, but I hate it” followed by “I don’t need to experience it to know it’s bad” doesn’t work for me. Be adventurous – willing to try something before dismissing it.
  • You need to like your family, and your friends. Mine are pretty great; we’re kind of a package deal.
  • Also, if you wrote “my paycheck” on the last thing you read… wow.

What I am looking for beyond what’s on my profile:

  • Someone with a keen wit, who can tell a story – a real story

  • Someone who’s up for trying something new

  • Someone who doesn’t believe in holding me or even themselves back

  • Someone positive, who sees what I/they “can” do and doesn’t limit themselves with “can’t”

  • Someone who knows who/what the following are: Neil Gaiman, Douglas Adams, Rising Star, Kabuki, ElfQuest, and who has an opinion on whether Han shot first.

I left off important facts (I ran out of characters) like:

  • If my friend Jonathan meets you, and does impersonations later, this won’t work out.
  • If you hurt my feelings or do something ugly, my in-laws will plot your demise. Plus, they’ll be a little ticked at me if they have to get up early to beat you down.
  • And I left off the phrase, “I’m a grown-ass woman,” which was in there, but I removed thinking the Match.com filters would choke.

Sooo… send me a message, post a comment here (or on FB) with a line or two you think I should add that better describes. You’ll be judged on wit!  Hey, and since we’re talking about it… if you know of any single, great guys, who like chubby girls, and who just want to hang out let me know. 🙂

I’ll be sure to keep everyone updated on this whole glamorous/self-deprecating process. I should at least get a good story or two out of it before throwing in the towel, and accepting that I’ll be alone.

2 thoughts on “Match.Com

  1. hrhdeanne says:

    You have a big heart but a slightly suspicious mind. Like, you’ll give a poor stray dog the leftovers you were taking home to have for lunch tomorrow, but if a new friend emails you saying he needs money for XYZ, you’re going to research his story before you consider sending even a quarter.

    AA meetings are NOT good places for first dates.

    Religion is a personal thing. If he feels the need to share his beliefs with you right away, he isn’t the person for you.

    He needs to have a sense of adventure and whimsy. So that if you try to make a cheesecake and the garage ends up burning down, he’s going to laugh and take you out to dinner.

    He has to have cool, funny friends, too. They won’t be as cool or funny as YOUR friends, but they might be ok.

    • Beth says:

      Yes! And the AA meeting story is still one of my favorites, because: WHO ON EARTH TAKES A FIRST DATE TO THEIR AA MEETING THEY MISSED??? Since I’m not a huge fan of alcoholics, imagine me in a roomful. Ugh.

      I think I still have your potential date questionnaire from like 1995. When I see you next, I’ll dig around and find it if you don’t have your own copy.

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