As you may recall, I threatened all of you (just yesterday) with an end-of-year wrap-up and I’m here to deliver! Here’s the list of the ups and downs of a mess (of any color). I’ll throw in some stories along the way.

February: I revamped the blog

Truth – the jury is still out for me. It’s new. It’s different-ish. I’m meh on the design and I hate the logo. I’d still kill (or pay) for someone to come up with a logo I liked. Unfortunately, the hi-res version of the old logo was lost or corrupted at some point. I’m not sure what happened; it wasn’t on my computer, and I regret not asking for the file from the jump. I just loved how simple and clean it was. I miss it and I can’t reproduce it. (And it’s not for a lack of trying on my part.)

March: My car was totaled

I was stopped behind two other stopped vehicles waiting at a green light while an emergency vehicle (sirens blaring) was coming through the intersection. The cars around me were also stopped – several deep on my right and left. A Dodge Ram slammed into me (hard enough that his car became undrivable), and he shoved me into a trailer the truck in front of me was pulling. Muscles from the back of my neck up and around my head locked up immediately, then I ugly cried at the EMTs. This is something I can’t stand doing, and I couldn’t shut it down. Where some parents teach boys not to cry, I had a mom who did the same for me. So, while crying I felt I needed to explain to the nice EMTs that I just had a ton of adrenaline dump into my system and really needed some grace while I sobbed through how I was feeling. Having never dealt with anyone in crisis before, I’m sure they 100% appreciated the information. “Oh, that’s what’s happening. Thank you, ma’am.”

I refused to go to the hospital, because there is me and only me, and I needed to get home. Thankfully, I was ok. Thankfully my brother-in-law came over immediately and got me to my doctor’s.

A week or so later, I bought a new car. It’s fine. I don’t love it. It has no guts – not that I want to drag race, but I’d love to know I could move quickly out of a situation if I needed to. I do love that Luna loves it, though, but she’s not picky. She loves car rides and the whole back seat is her domain. Stand back drive through line guy with your treats.

May: I spoke to a psychic

Why? Why not! Ok, if I’m honest, I just wanted the psychic to tell me Jay is around and he’s really sorry.

She didn’t say that.

Although, she did say there was a man pointing at their head, which made my eyes grow big, and then she followed with a description of a grandfatherly figure. Boo!

Among the things she said, of the things I’m willing to share, was that she saw me traveling to South America (weird, I don’t see me doing that), that I had a connection to national parks, that she saw movement (yoga, pilates, tai chi), and that I was moving into a creative space.

Overall, it was an interesting experience.

I still want Jay to apologize.

July: I went to San Diego

One of my oldest friends flew into the country and we had a great visit with her sister. It was my first time there, and it was gorgeous. I wish I could afford to be there, but maybe without earthquakes. I’m picky and like my ground stable.

Some highlights:

• I had carne asada for the first time. We visited a place recommended by a co-worker who was born and raised in San Diego. Carne asada is magical and probably my new favorite food ever along with California burritos. Who knew such a thing existed? It’s so wrong, yet so right!
• We went to the San Diego Zoo. Unfortunately, it was the week before the panda exhibit opened, so that was a bummer. We didn’t even get to see the red pandas, and me fussing that they’re not really pandas and should be on view weirdly didn’t change the zoo’s stance on their exhibit. Rude. My logic was sound. I saw a sun bear. It didn’t wave. It was also rude and hurt my feelings.
• Afterward, we made our way to Baja Betty’s in Pride Square where our amazing waiter ended up buying us a round of drinks. He was just awesome and friendly! This was also the first time I’ve ever had a stranger buy me drinks.
• We met up with some of her sister’s friends for dinner, and they were absolutely lovely and by lovely, I mean smart, clever and just fun to hang out with. I honestly wish they were part of my friend group. Can I steal them? or at least borrow them on occassion?

August: I took a storytelling class

A good friend of mine gifted me her spot in a storytelling class. Such a great gift! The class covered the basics of story structure with the goal of getting you onstage to present your story at the end of the class. I loved the teachers; they were fantastic (and also gifted storytellers on their own, as you’d expect), and the class was filled with a diverse set of characters (people?) who all had their own interesting stories and takes on the world around them. Gen Z, God bless you.

The instructors pushed me well beyond my comfort zone every class, which was good. It forced me to share my thoughts and opinions. Then I did something amazing – I cratered spectacularly during the practice presentation which ended with me ultimately refusing to participate in the showcase. I don’t know what it is, but whenever I read the things I’ve written (my anecdotes, my sketches, etc.) I meltdown hard. I can read your things just fine. Want me to sing to a audience during an improv singing show where I’m dancing and just making lyrics up, I’m your girl. Want me to read for one of your characters in your sketch in a room full of strangers, sign me up. Want me to read the words I jotted down? I will tremble violently, stammer, drop things, and have an anxiety attack. It’s something so palpable, you’ll lose your will to provide any type of real critique of my work, because you just witnessed something upsetting. Yay. It’s my superpower. (I really wanted super strength or maybe psionics.) So, that was fun.

September: I quit orchestra

I think that title sums it up. I quit. I wrote a note, explained I was an embarrassment. I apologized to my conductor and section leader for humiliating myself and bringing shame to the orchestra.

My conductor addressed my feelings in an email to the entire orchestra. (Apparently, he’d received similar emails from other musicians.) He talked about community and how while he wanted everyone to play their best – that he’d always push us – that at the end of the day what was important was the community we built as a group. He didn’t care if we missed a few notes; it was more important that we were there in our sections, with this family of musicians who cared about us.

I cried. I rejoined orchestra. My stand partner teased me. She’s a monster. That’s why she’s MY BEST FRIEND!!!! (Do not tell her otherwise.)

Our Christmas concert.

About 45 mins. into the concert is an original piece, Fantasia on Three Ships, written by Conor Brace who is one of our trumpet players and also our associate conductor. So much talent there! Then, for the last piece, our conductor (the one who made me cry), comes onstage. Most of us didn’t know he was even in the audience, and most hadn’t seen him in about 8 weeks so it was a huge and welcome surprise. What you can’t see clearly is all of our smiles when he runs up on stage. We’d been in great hands with Conor, who always does such a good job, and we also really missed Trey; he’s a singular bright light in this world.

September/October-ish: I was invited to work on a play with a great friend (and talented writer)

We’re making some serious headway. In fact, we spent about 3 hours on it today, and the time just flew. More to come.

October: We raised $8,997 for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Once again, huge thanks to all of you for your support!

November: I planned my birthday party

Games, pizza, and karaoke – just like I like.

December: I blew up my birthday plans, and my counselor quit

I mean, not much to add here. I took a serious wrecking-ball to my birthday party plans. I misdirected people about what I was doing on the actual day, and I spent the day alone. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t great. This is why I have a counselor.

Which brings me to – my counselor announced she was leaving her practice in January. Now thankfully, she’s going somewhere else that should accept my insurance, but it will take a couple of months to make that switch. I’m pretty sure her announcement basically gives me license to go completely off the rails for a bit, but she disagrees. Weird.

Anyway, that’s a wrap

There you go! Highs and lows and things in between.

Through it all, I got to play with an amazing dog, we’ve played fetch every single day this year. She’s grown more confident, has friends she loves to say, and her brother, my 10-year-old cat, hasn’t driven his claws into her face nearly as much. This year, I lifted some heavy things. I put some heavy things down. I erg-ed. I’ve played a ton of D&D, because I’m a huge nerd. (If you follow Critical Role’s Legend of Vox Machina, I’m basically Grog – even when I don’t try, I’m still Grog. I’ve also rolled way too many ones and had to put dice in a time out chair and make them don a dunce cap (dice need to learn not to disappoint and the only way they’ll learn is through dice shaming). I threw a Fourth Wing themed birthday party complete with cheesy parapet. I nearly reported a guy to HR for being an asshat, something I’ve never done before. I went on a cool Halloween walk. I got a cold. I dressed up as Harley Quinn. I’ve listened to Stray Kids way too many times. I read those 10 books and saw even more movies. I only got one !@#$ frozen margarita for my birthday, and I’m still bitter. I’ve annoyed my friends and family – I believe in spreading the wealth. And I’ve also met up with people I haven’t seen in a long time – had great conversations, and laughed so hard I couldn’t catch my breath.

I’ll probably do the same next year, but hopefully with at least two margaritas for my birthday.

I’ll now leave you with Stray Kids because you need them in your head, too. You’re welcome.