Kitty Biscuit

I mentioned Kitty Biscuit a couple of days ago but since some of you never knew the joy of the Biscuit I thought I should share.

Kitty Biscuit was my stepbrother and his wife’s cat. They incidentally had a truly delightful and sweet cat named Tesco. Kitty Biscuit or as my stepbrother called him in a saccharine sweet high pitched voice “Bisky” was pure evil. I mentioned “Legion” in the previous story, but another fitting comparison comes from Joseph Conrad’s character Mr. Kurtz in Heart of Darkness or more familiar still, Marlon Brando’s portrayal of Col. Walter E. Kurtz in the movie “Apocalypse Now”. In other words, when you approached Kitty Biscuit you expected him to be wearing a necklace of assorted animal paws and a tormented Tesco somewhere close by.

I once made the mistake of crossing into the Biscuit’s lair, which I didn’t realize was the bathroom. Kitty Biscuit liked to move the lair around to throw us off his trail. Inside the restroom Kitty Biscuit was lurking, sitting in the basin of the sink. Water dripped slowly on his head. Drip… drip… drip. As I entered, Kitty Biscuit turned his head slowly, deliberately, narrowing his eyes as he sized me up. His ears flattened as he bared his teeth to hiss at me. Granted, I had to really go to the bathroom but not that bad so I turned to leave. Biscuit sprang out of the basin and leapt out in front of me blocking my escape. I turned to go a different way and he jumped in front of me all the while hissing his challenge. With each turn I made, Kitty Biscuit would place himself between me and my intended exit. Finally, I had enough. No fluffy ball of feline seething hate was going to prevent me from leaving. I had an important date with a restroom. I decided it was time to make my move and stepped over the Biscuit. As I got over him he shot up my thigh slapping it repeatedly with all his declawed might. Again, thank God this beast was declawed and thank Levi’s for denim.

One day Kitty Biscuit up and disappeared. I honestly can’t tell you what happened. My best guess is that he was called home to his dark master and will return to plague man one day. I just know I won’t miss the cheeky little fella.

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