I’m having to use the phone a lot these days thanks to our option period coming to an end with the house. I have to say that being on the phone is not something I enjoy. I hate the phone. We only have one in our house and it sits near the kitchen on the quietest ring setting available. Few people have my cell phone number and the cell phone is rarely on to begin with so good luck calling me on it. The phone only rings at inopportune times like during dinner, during the part of any TV show where they’re going to reveal whodunit and in the middle of the night when it’s only a FAX machine.

It hasn’t always been this way. I used to LOVE the phone. My very first phone was dark red and it was my “hot line”. My parents broke down and got me my own phone when they realized my conversations with my friend Angie were going to go for 8+ hours at a time. In fact, during those calls Dad would bring me lunch; it was a great arrangement.

Then I got into college and had roommates. Let’s just say you get enough creditors screaming at you claiming you’re your roommate or you’re your roommate’s wife and you start thinking, “hey, this phone thing sucks.” That’s about the time I stopped picking it up. This was pre-caller ID so I never knew what surprise waited for me at the other end of the line. I’m now convinced when I hear the phone screaming from the kitchen that it’s really bounty hunters tracking down the people I know and they’re about to mistake me for them. Honestly, years of shunning the phone have led me to one simple truth; the phone is evil.

So, here are my phone ground rules for those of you who still call. (“No” Lynn – that’s the answer to the question you’ve been asking me in regard to the phone and “yes” I still think it’s weird.)

1) If you plan on dying. Please call in the morning. I can’t hear the phone in the bedroom and won’t be able to help you in the middle of the night.
2) If you’re planning on having your car break down on the highway. Again, try to time it so it happens during the day. Otherwise, grab a blanket; it’s going to be a long night.
3) Don’t call after work. It only makes me giggle but never makes me pick up the phone.
4) Do call at 8am; it drives people out of my office who think it’s the watering hole, which is another beef of mine.
5) If you think I’m screening my calls, I probably am. Don’t take offense; you’re not special – I screen every call.
6) If you think I’m mad, calling me will push me over the edge – don’t.
7) If you’re tracking down my friends, please send an e-mail and I’ll forward all of their pertinent information along with instructions for how to get to their house.
8) If you’re Angie, none of these rules apply – well, maybe 1 & 2. I’m still good for more 4+ hour conversations.
9) If it’s about my former supervisor Dick expiring in a humorous way, call any time, leave a message and I’ll call you back immediately. I want all the horrific, amusing details.

I do still love e-mail however, so send away – any time day or night and I’ll likely answer.
Lynn, it’s just WEIRD.