Family Matters

I love my family with all their quirks, shortcomings, long-comings (hey, it’s the opposite of short-comings and I’m making that official as of today), drama, etc., etc. – you have family so you know the adjectives could run on for days and never truly encapsulate a family. Now the way I was raised, you stand up for your family no matter how goofy they get. If my 80 year old aunt wants to wear little hand-painted ceramic toads in her hair while frolicking around in her front yard, dancing in the sprinklers and shouting “I’m a fresh little moonpie” then you’d best join-in because if you make any disparaging remark all bets are off.

Case in point – I was having a conversation with a friend and who knows how it came up but out from their mouth sprang the words, “your Dad wouldn’t make a good looking woman.” WHAT? I was insulted and nearly had to spit at their feet. “My Daddy (I have deep Southern roots so I have a “Daddy”) would make the best looking woman ever!” That was the thought that angrily stomped around in my head. “Don’t you tell me my Daddy wouldn’t be a darn fine looking woman.” It took many long minutes for sanity to regain control, but when it did, it did so begrudgingly, “well… he might not be Miss America when all was said and done but he might look ok in a house coat if he spruced up his hair and splashed on a little make-up.” Mind you all of this went on in my head since my mouth knew better than to step in.

Of course, as a woman I had one fine card to play. It’s not that men can’t play this particular card it’s just they tend to find it “silly”. It’s where you manage to take a statement, any statement, and turn it into an insult about you. The conversation went something like this:
“So, you don’t think I’m an attractive woman?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Well, I look like my Daddy…”
(big sigh)
Of course, then I had to laugh because at this point I knew I was being silly.

Needless to say, my Daddy would make the best looking woman ever and don’t you say otherwise. If my Mom wants you to see the dead possum as you’re driving by, please pull over. If my aunt has the 2nd largest marijuana farm in Texas, you congratulate her on her entrepreneurial spirit. If my cousin invites you to join a ceremony with his coven, you say thank you and ask, “what shade of black shall I wear?” Whatever you do, I better not see an eyebrow twitch or a grin begin to form.

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