Autophilia

I’ve always thought naming your car was one step shy of goofy. Sure, my friends have named their cars and I accepted that – even my Mom had a little Datsun named Debbie at one point. I have personally managed to avoid that little tradition with one exception. Once I inherited Debbie, I started referring to it as “Junior”, but that was more out of a sense of propriety. Screaming “Junior, stop blowing billowing clouds of smoke from your exhaust” was more palatable to polite society than the words that actually went ripping through my brain. In computer terms, “Junior” was a macro for a much longer stream of expletives. (I’m such a nerd.)

The way I see it, I haven’t named the TV or my computer or even the couch and I enjoy all of those as much as my car and an argument could be made (and won) that I enjoy some of them more. Well, I guess the computer has a name since it’s identified on my network, but I don’t think of it in those terms, I think of it as “hoss” or big, shiny, metal box with 6 fans of cooling goodness rawr. Well, 1 ½ years ago it was “rawr” now it’s more like “mew” but I digress.

I figure guys like Michael Schumacher don’t name their Ferarri unless it’s something like “ch-ching” since his car is his livelihood. Who knows, I haven’t met him and I suppose his car could be named something like “meine Schätzen”.

Anyway, I don’t name my cars… until now. I have to admit that I have a big crush on my car. It’s not my first car or even my first new car but it’s the first car I’ve owned that I’ve genuinely liked, despite its short-coming of not being a bright yellow Nissan Xterra. I walk into the garage and glow and debate whether it’s right or wrong to hug a car, to carry pictures of it in my wallet. Can I go to jail for autophilia? If I start downloading pictures onto my i-Pod of other cars equally as cute, is that morally wrong? What if they’re in suggestive poses like “racing” or “parked with the doors open”? Not only do I have a great car but it’s obviously a philosophical gold mine.

Now you’re probably thinking I’m going to share my car’s name, but I’m going to have to let you down. It’s a super-secret name that’s something special between me and my car – a pet name that I can whisper to it as I’m patting the seats. I just can’t have people approaching my car and assuming some familiarity with it that simply isn’t there.

When you call the specialists today to fetch me, make sure they bring my car along. We’re a team!

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5 thoughts on “Autophilia

  1. Seth Anderson says:

    My laptop has a name (Sweezle), taken from a nickname of a deceased cat (Tabitha, who died at the ripe age of 20), but my desktop doesn’t. Why? Who knows. And my car actually has a name too, for the first time in my life, Bubbles. There’s a GPS unit built into the dashboard, and the voice seems appropriate to the nickname somehow. Also, satisfying to say ‘Bubbles, shut up”, when I miss a turn or something.

  2. Ravenhex says:

    What kind of car is it again? I forget.My cars are “baby” and are female.

  3. Swanksalot says:

    My laptop has a name (Sweezle), taken from a nickname of a deceased cat (Tabitha, who died at the ripe age of 20), but my desktop doesn’t. Why? Who knows. And my car actually has a name too, for the first time in my life, Bubbles. There’s a GPS unit built into the dashboard, and the voice seems appropriate to the nickname somehow. Also, satisfying to say ‘Bubbles, shut up”, when I miss a turn or something.

  4. Beth says:

    2 dr. Honda Civic Coupe with a little sunroof

  5. Beth says:

    Seth,The name “Bubbles” genuinely gave me a good giggle on a bad day. Especially the thought of you raising your voice and demanding that “Bubbles, shut up!”

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