There are a lot of phrases that I can’t stand to hear – some are clichés while the others tend to fall under the category of “excuses”. I’m sure I’ll be able to get several entries going on “excuses I can’t stand”, since the list is quite long and I’m never short on vitriol. The one I’m picking on today is the phrase, “it’s that time of the month.” You hear it offered up all the time as an excuse to explain woman’s behavior – sometimes it comes from the woman with the questionable behavior and other times it comes from someone trying to explain a woman’s behavior. Either way the saying induces a big ol’ eye roll on my part. Now, I could offer up a fairly feminist view on why that phrase annoys me, but I have faith that my readers are familiar with that discussion. So, that being said, let’s dive in.

As a woman, why would you ever say that? You’re giving away crucial information that people can now chart on a calendar and some people do, which is another one of those things in life that freaks me out. I keep no charts on anyone’s “time”, but if you want to you little freak, knock yourself out. Anyway, now someone can glance down at a calendar and nod knowingly as you have your little flip out. Personally, I like to keep people on their toes. I don’t have “a time” since I prefer people to keep guessing. “A time” for me could be “any time” and I want people around me to be on edge and to cower and wonder, “God, could it be today?” When their day passes without incident it makes them a little more nervous about tomorrow. I want people to approach my desk with extreme caution as they debate whether the pen they’re asking to borrow could send me into a rage. Come to think of it, people don’t come into my office to borrow things anymore. Note to self: plan is working.

If we can keep D-Day a secret, if Tom Cruise’s reincarnation of L. Ron can go unseen, if Jim Morrison’s real location can be kept under wraps then I have complete faith in your ability to not divulge this tiny bit of information. It’s the one strategic/tactical advantage you have over the enemy – that enemy being anyone who is not you when the chemicals in your body take you for a joy ride. Now, let’s all take a quiet moment to reflect on what I said and we’ll make a silent pact to not share, especially with me because you can’t be certain it’s not “my time”.