Jonathan

Oh good Lord, everyone wants a story!!

Let me tell you why I love Jonathan. Well, I can’t tell you all the reasons because it would go on too long, but I can tell two stories that speak to his character.

There was the time that some kids were picking on another kid in Jonathan’s gym class and started throwing balls at him. Jonathan planted himself between the balls and that kid. Jonathan continues to plant himself in that spot.

Once upon a time, I was ending another of my goofy relationships, the ones Anna would love for me to write about. The guy was bringing his friends along and there was one I truly despised. (I felt he had a big hand in causing the relationship to bust apart.) Jonathan kindly offered to be there and represent my camp along with Anna. (Some simple truths – never invade Russia in the winter and never get on the bad side of Anna and Jonathan when they’re feelin’ squirrelly and are jonesing for an idiot). The little guy who came to help put me in my place never saw it coming and I’d like to imagine he’s still reeling from the abuse unleashed on him by Jonathan and Anna that night. They entered that ring and would tag out so they each had a turn at this kid. I wish I could remember the words that were exchanged, but for starters that would imply the guy got a word in, which he really didn’t. So once again, Jonathan was standing between the bullies and the abused. (Jonathan/Anna, I would love to hear your take on this again.)

Now mind you when I say “Jonathan” you can also replace it with “Anna” unless it’s a very specific story. Although, Jonathan occasionally forgets that he’s supposed to help fan the flames and tries to mediate or help me see someone else’s side of a problem. To him I say, Jonathan they’re wrong, I’m right and it’s not my fault their mammas rejected them as babies – clearly their mammas had insight from the get-go that we’re only witnessing now. If I wanted to see things from another person’s perspective, I would have followed my father’s lead and become a social worker.

I still like Jonathan because he will help fan those flames. I understand it’s out of self-interest just to hear me rant, but at least I’m getting attention and my opinions are being validated (even if that’s not truly the case).

He’s by far the best fiction writer I know. I greatly envy his friend Tim’s birthday stories. He’s also one of the funniest people I know and definitely the one with the quickest wit – you have to stay on your toes if you want to keep up. Oh, and he’s also not for the overly sensitive. If you expose your Achilles tendon, expect to use a wheelchair. (Again, you can easily use Anna’s name there.) One last thing, he’s one of the best emotional babysitters if you’re having a crisis.

… and if he accidentally strangles you in a untried wrestling hold he’ll not only give you a nice Wizard of Oz glass, but he’ll explain to you how he could have killed you.

Does anyone ELSE want a story? SHEESH! Jonathan, as with Toree, I want presents and I demand more quality ranting time. Presents do not include bread crunchies or toasties or whatever that is and no crickets.

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