“Merry Krimmas!” Yes, that’s how someone greeted me yesterday. “Merry Krimmas!” In fact, they’ve carried on for the last couple of weeks about their “Krimmas” party and their “Krimmas” plans. I guess “Krimmas” is a way to celebrate the day without offending anyone who might have some beef with Christmas or maybe it’s some awfully cute way of saying Christmas like you’re still four years old – it’s adorable coming from an adult… no really, adorable.
Either way, it’s stupid. There’s really no way around it. Every year we get to hear people weigh in on the whole “Happy Holidays” thing – a greeting that supposedly encompasses all during these few weeks in December – a politically correct way to not tread on toes. “Merry Christmas” “Happy Chanukah” and “Happy Kwanzaa” have to take a backseat to a more generic “Happy Holidays”. As if being more specific will some how ruin the whole month.
Well, I’m here to spread the news – receiving a greeting that isn’t part of your belief system has not been shown to cause any real harm. Despite the warnings, your ears will not implode, your fingers won’t curl up and your eyes won’t drop out. You won’t have to tear down your decorations or stop lighting candles. Mass will not be called off. It’s a greeting filled with good wishes. Take it as such. Otherwise, I’m going to be forced to create a movement to make all holidays politically correct – Passover/Easter will become “EEK! Hide Your First Born Day” and I will move that everyone greet each other appropriately. I’m still working on the rest – trying to figure out what would offend me the very least as we move through the year. There’s Memorial Day, that’s got to change as it might offend people with Alzheimer’s and those suffering from memory loss. Then there’s Arbor Day, that’s out, too – I don’t think Republicans take a shine to it. President’s Day offends the anarchists, socialists, monarchists and many dictators – can’t have that. Not to mention, it’s not very specific. I mean do we really have to celebrate them all? William Harrison? Millard Fillmore? Andrew Johnson? Labor Day is just another way to mock state and federal employees – not to mention the unemployed. Thanksgiving is just another way to take a slap at the ungrateful and force people to eat dry turkey. Looking at this small list, I see we could really stand to have the whole holiday thing revamped into some Orwellian shade of grey or beige if grey offends you.