I’m on vacation. Yes, a real bona fide vacation. A long over-due break from everything – this is where I sit in my robe, look around the house and occasionally attack something with Clorox for eyeing me funny (and flaunting its dirt). My last vacation was in May 2007 and the one before that was September 2006, so I feel completely ok with myself when I plop down on the bed and watch every “Dead Like Me” episode we have in the house while Sam snacks on some article of clothing we’ve forgotten on the floor. (Sam usually does this on the sly and we go through the routine of acting surprised – we can’t get mad at Sam for being Sam, but I could kick myself because I liked those jeans – eh, back to the robe.)

Maybe it’s an only child thing or a disposition thing, but if I go on vacation from work, I end up working overtime on me – sometimes known as engaging in self-deprecating behavior where I over-analyze every flaw I possess. Why inventory the good when it’s easier to make a laundry list of the bad? I don’t find the chinks in the armor, I find the big gaping holes that make me appear naked. As a master of this particular game, I also know when to cry “uncle” and back down. If I can be the biggest me bully on the block, then I have to be the biggest defensive older sister; it’s a balance.

That brings me to the Big Blue Mess. I don’t like it at the moment. My writing needs work and posting once a week for two years hasn’t really improved its quality. It hasn’t even made me a “writer”; I’m just some random person who slaps words together on a blog that would make my college writing professor cringe. Most real writers have up and down days and personally I can smell a bad post even before I hit “publish”. I can even tell you what made it bad – where it wandered – where I lost the point as I rushed to wrap everything up before you got overly bored. (Hey, I’ve seen the numbers for the average time spent of my site. I have an idea of your threshold.)

What that means is that I’m going to try to find a way to get some feedback from writers. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to do that, but it became my goal after I had a small meltdown last night. It also means that I’m going in search of some writing classes (God forbid they make me write a story; I’m just not that kind of a creative writer (well, that goes without saying)).

I will continue to blog (I hate that word, for the record) and the stories will still continue to be up and down in terms of quality – what you’ve come to expect here. I do want to say that I appreciate all of your support – my friends and family who come and read more out of a love for me (and because it’s a slow work day) than for the content. Thank you guys for the times you’ve said to me “Beth, when you said … in your blog, that was really funny.” Those comments made my day.

Back to the ol’ drawing board.