The Universe is Out to Get Me: And it’s Eyeing You, Too!

Somewhere out there in the net is a beautiful post discussing the idea that the universe is inherently mean and is out to get you. Yes my friend, the universe has you in its sights and you’d better start running a little “z” pattern (which you really run not because it will help you escape the universe, but because it makes you feel better – and personally gives me a good laugh). If you combine this idea with karma (all the things you did in that past life that you can’t remember, but you’re sure if you could remember them, you’d get a good belly laugh), you’re essentially screwed. I’m pretty sure Murphy’s Law occasionally chimes in with helpful tips, too.

Now the universe is big. We can all agree on that one point even if we can’t agree on how it got here. It’s the kind of big that if you think about too much, you’re reminded about how insignificant you are and you end up slamming back handfuls of anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds with whiskey chasers – the next thing you know, you’re in a psych ward ranting “it’s HUGE!” while being strapped to a comfy metal framed bed by an attendant that wants to lick the side of your head (that’s what the movies tell me is in their job description). In other words, it’s better to think about how the universe revolves around you and not its actual size. (For the record, it’s a documented fact (I’m writing up the paperwork now) that it revolves around me, but if it will keep you from having to cry about your misspent childhood, we can say it’s “you” for now – it will help save on your insurance premiums. Just as long as we both understand that you’re wrong, we’re good.)

Fortunately for most us, we’ve managed to dodge the full lash of the universe. But you can’t help but feel on occasion that the universe is sizing you up. Maybe your life is going a little too smoothly and there’s that ominous sense of, “something bad is about to happen.” You know that feeling, that someone is watching and no one is there? That’s the unfeeling, unswerving eye of the universe being disdainful of your carefree smug attitude – the universe isn’t big on “happy-go-lucky” – and it’s not particularly fond of you missing your round, so it’s about to say “you’re up!”

My proof – just pick up the paper any day of the week and you’ll see the universe’s “hand” in everything. As long as you stay out of the paper (which the universe occasionally uses as a scorecard – like notches on a belt), you’re probably good (avoid police blotters, too). Just think of it as running a “Z”.

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