Back in the day, when you walked uphill in the snow barefoot both ways… when children labored in sweatshops and (no, wait…) errr… people still used leeches to cure the sniffles – umm err well, you know, back in the OLD days – a person could identify crazy. It was easy then, there was the eye spacing… I mean, c’mon everyone knows that if the space between your eyes happens to be larger than the size of one of your eyes, you’re obviously crazed – this has been well documented in many notable and, dare I say respectable, medical journals. Of course, there’s always the head bumps – as you also know, crazy causes all kinds of brain swelling and thankfully the skull is flexible enough so that it accommodates all sorts of bubbles and lumps brought on by lunacy – think of the skull as having the consistency of one of those balloons you can twist around and make animals out of – bone indeed – HAH! Still, the difficulty with identifying the lumps and bumps has always been in trying to get your subject to sit still enough to give them a good and thorough head rub. Oh, you thought your hairdresser was just working for a tip – silly you – she just throws in the neck rub so you don’t become suspicious when she later steps out of the room to phone the authorities. She’s a psychiatric police’s first line of defense to keep crazy off the streets. Finally, there’s all that incessant mumbling – like the guy who used to try court cases outside of one of the area coffee houses.

Now here’s my beef. We’ve got all of these tried and true ways of properly identifying nuts and someone goes and gets the bright idea to make a blue tooth wireless thing that you pop into your ear – so you too can mumble to yourself. Oh sure, you’re thinking “Beth, way to get stuck in a writing rut, why don’t you write about that time you thought you were funny again. We know you don’t like blue tooth users. We know you probably teamed up with Lori on Dotopotamus to coin the phrase Blue Tool and mock us” – I personally take great offense to that, because I would never say anything that clever.

I’m just grousing because I was walking down the street and this seemingly normal looking gal (eyes the right width apart, head seemingly un-bumpy) came to a screeching halt in front of me and started hollering. Clearly, she showed one of the three signs of being nuts, but NOOOOO she had a blue tooth. And there she was acting crazy but not being crazy. It’s disconcerting. See, I like my crazy straight-up – no crazy posers, thank you.

So, I’m just here to tell you that I’m officially protesting the device (again). Forget that they look silly, forget the whole rant about focusing on driving (that’s so last year) – I simply can’t tell crazy people apart from normal people any more!