Morning People

I could try and give some lip service (or “typing” service) to “generalizations”, but let’s just cut to the chase – morning people are insane. All of them. I’m not a morning person. I don’t like the morning. I can’t stand the overly chipper, hyperactive, I-drank-my-coffee-with-a-dash-of-speed invigorated types that assault my nerves with their ready-to-serve incessant banter – the kind of people who aren’t deterred by darkly circled eyes, one sided conversations and low growling – the kind that are drawn to you if you’re not a morning person, because of some unwritten code in their brain that drives them to “brighten up people’s day”. This describes all morning people. Every single one of you early risers who worship at the altar of Franklin’s “early to bed…” gibberish (written to make morning people feel vindicated as they taunt we sane folks who embrace 10am as “pretty darn early”).

The problem is that I’ve fooled people into thinking that I am a morning person, that I’m “one of them”, thanks to years of dragging myself out of bed early, heading off to work before dawn and by falling dead asleep by 9:30 pm on most days. The truth is that the whole morning thing is a ruse brought on by my autonomic nervous system. Sure, I can function, I can breathe, blink and occasionally form a simple sentence or two, but until that special synapse fires that jump starts my brain, I’m all but asleep. And for the record that synapse doesn’t even start sparking until around 10am.

From the time my eyes are open until mid morning, I’m strictly using low level reptilian functions in my brain and any attempts to fire up that one little synapse before the pre-programmed time will fail. What that means is that if you’re a morning person and you’re blathering, I’ll blink at you slowly. If you get a little too wild (excessive hand gestures, hollering, or demanding “clap-for-me-I’m-a-fairy-princess”), I might growl. It’s not your fault; you were just wired wrong – all of you.

I realize I’ve brought some of this on myself by stepping into “their” turf of crazy happy morning joy and its certainly caused unnecessary confusion, but really the fact that I look comatose should be a sign that you early types should drive on and chat-up one of the other morning disciples. Sing, dance, clap, jog in circles (like you people do) among the other followers of the dawn, but leave me to drool quietly in my upright position. Until my magical hour strikes, I can’t begin to wrap my mind around what you’re doing, much less participate – and that’s not your fault. You’re crazy.

So, I guess this is a plea – a simple plea for you morning types to ignore me until mid morning. I know its hard, you’re a big bundle of energetic fun that needs hugs and attention, and it’s not your fault – just do your best to pretend I’m whatever it is your overstimulated brains can ignore at that time.

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