** WARNING** Potentially offensive and crass material.  Read at your own risk.

Let’s start with a couple of simple statements to get this story started:

First, there are a slew of phrases I can’t stand. Among those are any sayings that try to dismissively explain a person’s behavior by mentioning either their menstrual cycle or their lack of sexual intercourse.  Those statements are almost always crass and completely untrue.  And no, I’m not “on the rag” as I write this.  I don’t need a special cycle to be a pissy individual.

Second, there’s no “wrong” in improv.  Improvisers are making everything up on the spot, so how can it possible be wrong?  It can’t.

On many of the days that I didn’t post an entry on the blog, I was in an improv class (either singing or acting) and was using that to count towards the June Creativity Challenge.  (Ok, three days I actually did say “pthbbt” to the whole “creativity” thing, but that’s for a post in July.)

The non-singing class involves a new teacher and a new gang of improvisers I’ve never worked with before – all of them incredibly talented and funny.

However, as much as I hate to say this, there’s this one guy in class who seriously needs to get laid. (Or given a big stack of porn and allowed some private bathroom time or maybe a nice hooker as a birthday present.  Although, I think hookers can be an “any occasion” kind of gift for the hard up.)

Why do I think that? Every scene he’s in somehow involves sex.  For example:

• Disgruntled angel scene – the mortal’s name that was written in his book was some sort of sexual deviant and was nearly unsalvageable – big points for being descriptive on the deviancy
• Chance encounter at a bus station scene – he was Rep. Wiener’s “special” friend while working as the Representative’s congressional page.
• Library scene – he was holding up at a book of sexual positions, marveling at the pictures while giggling and shouting “look at his “thing” in her “thing””.  (Again, points for being super descriptive, but I swear the last time I heard “thing” in reference to genitalia was maybe on a playground or I was 5 and attempting to be polite.  Dude, hang out with a 5 year old – they can introduce you to all sorts of new and creative words that sound just as ridiculous if you’re feeling really shy about saying the word “penis”.)
• Mistakenly in the wrong class scene – I think this was the one where he ended up with huge balls or something going horribly wrong with his gigantic penis (but that may have been a different scene)

You get the idea.  I swear, if I had a dime for every time he mentioned someone’s pants, well I probably wouldn’t quite have a dollar, but I’ve only been to three classes.  I betcha, I break $2.50 by the end of July, though!

… and I don’t mean this as a slam on the guy’s improv skills.  He’s a fine improv-er. He’s takes risks, does what he’s supposed to do.  He’s super descriptive.  You get a real feel for his character.  But please, as a favor to me, could someone please let him squeeze their breasts or give him a blow job so we can move on?  I might kick him in the balls if he ever mentions his balls again.