I promised myself that this year I’d write more. I didn’t promise I’d necessarily blog more, since I tend to wait on life to be randomly absurd before making a post, but I decided I’d write a few more sketches. While I have managed to work on a sketch (just one while I think of a new one), I still feel like I’ve neglected my blog. My excuse has been that life hasn’t thrown anything overly zany my way to warrant a solid post. So, I’m in a bit of a writing limbo where I’m not writing and thus you get this thrown together post – some randomness from my head which will allow me to put a mark in my 2014 writing book that means “hey, I wrote a thing! Go me! Kudos GIRL!” I may high-five myself at the end – not because of the content of what I plan to write, but because I made words.
Without further ado…
One of the many things I hate about FaceBook is that every now and again someone will create a status update that outlines a peeve they have that serves as a general notice to their many friends – a warning. For example, they’ll post a shared photo that points out how people use language or turns of phrases incorrectly. Your job as a friend is to take heed and ideally respond that you are either of a like mind and equally offended by the foolish masses that clearly cannot use language or you confess to your own writing indiscretions and vow on bended knee to make changes. On the one hand, it’s a fine way for you and your nearest and dearest to feel quite smug about your superior grasp of language (aka a bonding moment) and on the other it allows the huddled ignorant masses to see you as the bright shining beacon of intellectual superiority you always knew you were and genuflect accordingly (as is your due). Thankfully you are content knowing both spoken and written English haven’t evolved since the first spoken word was, well, spoken. I mean, who can’t read the works of Chaucer or the poem Y Gododdin without translation? Imbeciles!
Ultimately, I suppose I could care less about this. (That’s right language snobs, I threw down that gauntlet!)
By that same token, I also hate those lists people post of books you’re supposed to have read to be considered intelligent. They usually invoke a line about how the British or possibly some British publication has actually made the list, so your job as a patriot is to show the British that you can read words on paper. Now go ahead and substitute “British” for “you” since Snopes has fact checked the truth of that statement and found it to be false. The British may suspect (and likely do) that we’re idiots, but they’re savvy enough not to put it in a major publication, which means I’m supposed to prove to you I’m well-read. Here’s a fact: I will never read “Far from the Madding Crowd” nor will I read “Crime and Punishment” to prove to you I belong in your book club. You’ll have to continue to love me for my belligerent idiocy.
So, I decided in honor of all of this recently getting under my skin, I’d make my own list of pet peeves that my friends can work their way down to see if they conform to my ideals of a good world citizen. In my opinion being an offender of any of these makes you a lesser person and me better.
- People who stand in line in front of me. I don’t have time for you to shop. I’ve got pressing things going on and need to leave before you. Your behavior is rude. Move along.
- People who enter an aisle at a store that I’ve claimed. I’ve claimed it by being there. Please peruse the end cap until I’ve exited the aisle. Definitely, don’t snuggle up next to me. It’s too close to hugging and you’re not family. I don’t want stranger hugs while I’m trying to locate the wheat flour.
- People who drive near me and are not going the same speed, but are either going faster or slower. The perfect speed is the one I’ve randomly chosen. Please choose another road.
- The word “cause” being used instead of “because”. If you use “cause” please follow up with an “effect”. I don’t want to be surprised when you start blurting out an excuse and I’m expecting something grammatically different.
- Lottery-style games that are rigged against me. If you’re going to give me the opportunity to win a Big Foot costume to promote the upcoming movie “Big Foot Wars”, then I want to win. I don’t want to be in a pool with others and you draw one of their names. Don’t make me angry at statistics. This holds true for my chances of winning an autographed book by Josh Gates (host of “Destination Truth” as you know) and any other drawing I’ve recently entered.
- People who make me take knitting classes with them when knitting classes are up there with poke-myself-in-the-eye classes on a perfectly good Sunday like today. Especially those same people who ditched the Special FX makeup class I signed us up for, which was by all accounts (made by me) a better class. By better, I mean “cooler”. This is a random item on my list. Honest. A hypothetical. I’m not stuck in a knitting class today as 2 1/2 hours of my life drains away.
- People who don’t appreciate how much I typo in a blog and don’t understand that it will take me reading a post through at least 50 times before I catch most of my errors. This quirk makes my blog charming.
- People who make ridiculous lists and expect people to live up to their standards. Wait… ummm….