The Great Cookie Massacre of 2019

The “cookies” in all of their “glory.” (PS David, I’ve moved from parentheses and semi-colons. Air quotes shall be my new “thing”!

A good friend, whom I think of as family, and I’m convinced thinks of me as the burden one endures after being overly kind to strangers (or possibly karmic punishment for something done in a past life – something he wish he could remember and desperately hoped was funny if he was forced to be saddled with me for life), suggested I actually post a photo of The Great Cookie Massacre of 2019. (FYI – you can tell I’m not ranting, because I’m writing more like Dickens approaching the first sentence/paragraph to A Tale of Two Cities. Do I get paid per word? (Maybe if my editor loves you, he’ll be able to do something with that sentence. No promises though. He’s only paid in praise and glad tidings. Are “glad tidings” a thing?))

Anyway, I believe I promised in the last post that were I to post about the cookies, then certain words/phrases would be used. I like to keep my promises so here we go! I aim to make Dickens proud, and you know, empty my tidings account for David. (Sorry David, my five readers are making me. you understand, right? It’s for them. Also hey, apparently parentheses are making another comeback. It’s like Shark Week, but y’know – Parentheses Era. That’s certainly a thing, right?)

If Dickens Lost His Senses and Ability to Write Properly-ish

The above photo, along with another photo, showing most of those cookies clumped up in the bottom of the oven, appeared on my FB page – posted there to get a laugh from my friends and give them the opportunity to tease me, because I truly live in an on-going I Love Lucy episode, and because I have a self-deprecating sense of humor (why keep the laughs at my life pratfalls all to myself) AND (this is super hard to write this way) despite having worked in a cookie store where I was quite the talented cookie baker (give me a hockey puck – not kidding – plastic gloves and cooled dough, then turn me lose whereby (sure) I’ll will produce little doughy circles of joy); however, I’d never used parchment paper to bake cookies until that day, AND on that fateful day when I decided to experiment for no particularly good reason other than my friend Eric suggested it while talking about baking bacon; he had no idea I’d decide to go the cookie route with it, I successfully pulled out one tray from the oven, then, with my confidence bolstered, I grabbed the next one – whoops – the parchment paper sledded off the tray along with the cookies as they all screamed “WHEE!” then plummeted into the bottom of my stove; I was aghast, then I cursed the cruelty of the universe for ruining perfectly great and undeserving peanut-butter chocolate-chip cookies (THE BEST COOKIES IN THE WORLD, as you know – also, did you know Blue Bell now offers up a peanut-butter cookie dough flavor – thank you, Julie for sharing that small delicious miracle – I haven’t had it yet, but how could it not be a miracle?)

Whew! We all survived my sentence. I’m fairly certain Dickens just eye-rolled from his grave or perhaps he scoffed. He probably did both. I deserve that, I suppose. (David, I’m speaking to you again – I forbid you to make that better. It’s beneath your talents! Let it stand in its awful glory. Also, I’ll try to be better about the parentheses thing. It’s hard to quit after you do your first set. The struggle is real.)

Anyway, there you all go! Proof that poor, innocent cookies were murdered in my oven. If we could all observe a minute of silence. Thank you! Also, thank you Jers for the suggestion. Love you! Mean it!

7 thoughts on “The Great Cookie Massacre of 2019

  1. julie4hardy says:

    I need a report on that Bluebell icecream! Not available in Middle Earth…

    • Beth says:

      Definitely!!! Also, maybe you could open your own Bluebell there. Only avoid listeria. You’ll make it “Bluebell, the best ice cream in all countries!”

  2. azzageddi says:

    I added one close-parentheses–the only change I made. (You were letting the air-conditioning out of that poor parenthetical statement!) And I was going to sneak in a tag of “editor abuse” for chuckles, and almost fell out of my chair laughing when I saw you already had “David abuse” as a tag. Nicely played.

  3. So funny!!!! (ha – the struggle, as you say)
    To be paid in “glad tidings” – I so missed that in a contract or two – how astute for you to clarify (are dashes an addiction?…guilty)
    “Parentheses Era.” is simply, well, historic…or was that hysteric…oh, well, deep into the swamp of dot, dot, dots…..
    Your Lucy would play well on any stage. Thanks for the gins, you little Dickens.

    • Beth says:

      I think dashes and ellipses are a necessity! One can never go wrong with those, or the occasional well-placed exclamation mark or five!!!!! I feel we’re both contributing to broadening David’s understanding of sentence structure in the modern age, but will he ever say, “thank you”? Unlikely. Still, I know deep in my heart he’s very thankful. 🙂 I also may be delusional. 🙂

      Hope you’re staying cool! It’s always great to hear from you!

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