Random Thoughts in July

One of the essential ingredients when writing posts based solely on personal anecdotes is that you really must have personal anecdotes in order to write. That’s not me – not now. It turns out that spending 1/3 of your year inside your home with very limited human contact means you just aren’t out generating the anecdotal content. Who knew? As I contemplate this post, I flip through my mental Rolodex of story topics, and all I find are: “Shows I’ve Marathoned” “Top Ten Naps”and “Things that Were Assembled/Destroyed” (which is arguably the best of the options, but still not that great). There’s a slightly more fun group of stories that fall under “Things I Can’t Share.” (Who knew that would ever be a thing?) Unfortunately, as you probably guessed, it turns out I can’t share those.

I genuinely feel guilty. While I don’t write a ton, I still feel I’m letting some people down. Ok, maybe it’s just that one guy, but hey, he’s important! Don’t knock “one guy” or his questionable taste! To each his own. Worry about yourself!

I withdrew from Facebook for a couple of months; it was amazing – possibly the best gift I could give myself in this particular moment in history. I could throw a lot of words at you as to “why,” but it really came down to “I needed a break.” I needed a break from my daily “liking, loving, caring, OMG-ing, sad face” chores, which were both mind-numbing and exhausting. I needed a break from everyone being so angry – a break from sitting in my entitled little echo-chamber where none of us are even pretending to entertain anyone else’s points of view. We’re just mad.

I needed a break from feeling that real change isn’t brought about by posting and re-posting and re-posting other people’s words or through catchy memes or viral videos. Real change doesn’t come from framing my profile picture with a “popular in the moment” slogan. That’s “easy.” That’s the path of least resistance. Right now “easy” isn’t enough. We need to do. But it’s really hard to “do” when “doing” puts our lives at risk. It puts our elderly, and medically fragile family member’s lives at risk, and that frustrates me beyond measure – and I just couldn’t walk that path in that echo chamber with my friends and family, beating my head against the same invisible walls over and over again while feeling helpless and a bit inept.

I needed a break from feeling like I was in some “woke-off” with my peers.

So, I quit, and then I wrote a letter to a former president imploring him for guidance, like you do when you’re feeling low, and I’m sure it’s sitting at the bottom of a mountain of other messages, but a girl can dream.

I cried, but the act of writing him was cathartic.

When I came back to Facebook several cheered. I’m liked for my “likes” – not because I was a sorely missed or even needed voice, and that’s ok. My posts offer no wisdom. They’re quite vapid and inane, and that’s ok, too; it’s all I can give to that space.

So, in a nut-shell that’s where I’m at. I’m in the same place I was a month ago, and the month before that, and the month before that.

I miss my friends. I miss my family, but maybe not enough to add another Zoom or WebEx call to my day. I’m so sorry, guys! I yearn for the day I can do something with you, not try to walk you through how to look at the camera. My eyes are up here, people!!! Plus, to be honest those calls really drive home how apart we are, and for now there’s not a lot that can be done.

As for future posts…

I missed an opportunity to post during Mental Health Awareness Month. If there’s ever been a time that people needed to be reminded about available resources, it’s now. With the anniversary of Jay’s death occurring next week, I’ll try to get one up. I’m trying to weave together a few personal observances in relation to that, but so far I haven’t quite worked out what I want to say. Actually, that’s what this post started out as, but after a ton of virtual white out and eraser streaks you got some vague, “I guess Beth doesn’t really care for Facebook” post. Sorry about that. I mean, yes I don’t care for Facebook, but that wasn’t the post I started to write. It’s the post that emerged from my writing cocoon. I was really hoping for a butterfly.

In lieu of a butterfly, I’ll end with a small taste of “Things That Were Assembled/Destroyed.” Huge thanks to these guys for helping me say goodbye to my dilapidated murder shed. Jim’s victory pose at the end is worth the 10 seconds of viewing.

4 thoughts on “Random Thoughts in July

  1. azzageddi says:

    It’s lovely to see this back, Beth. And I totally know what you mean. Junko and I often mention we have nothing to talk about, because we’re together nearly 100% of the time, and even together, nothing much is happening in our lives. It’s peaceful, but there’s no “coming home and sharing what happened today” anymore. I tell her the adventures of coming up with a cool writing assignment for my students, but that takes about a minute…

    By the way, I am still looking for things to edit in your posts! Just not finding anything! You’re not giving me enough to do!

  2. Beth says:

    That’s high praise! I think it’s because the post was so short, and I actually sit for a day. BUT I should be writing something starting tonight or tomorrow, and since it’s “from the heart,” it will be littered with editing opportunities. (Have I mentioned I wish you could follow me around daily and stop me from sending texts or emails? My typos are becoming my signature and it’s a bit mortifying.)

    For the record, I long for the days of a fun and shareable adventure – something beyond a world I viewed through a window.

  3. I’ve been by several times – but important interruptions constantly…like the dog about to go through the window after the Amazon delivery person or the cat throwing up (again…whhhyyyy does she keep trying to sneak the dog food? It’s a stubborn “you can’t control me” thing, isn’t it?
    I finally got to the last paragraph.
    This long vacay at home is getting to everyone. Difficult to hold interest in anything. (Despite the fact that July-Aug I’m usually hostage inside with the heat anyway…would be nice to go grab lunch somewhere beside this kitchen)
    Love your “woke-off” term – it’s what is happening. “Vapid and inane”? – about all that place is worth giving – so babble freely as aimlessly as you wish. Fills the time.
    “Assembled and destroyed” Funny – hmmm, domino series/designs to knock down…just how bored am I…getting there HAHA
    HUGS (and if you have a bicycle and are able to tour around in the afternoon I’m jealous….that like haircut should have been secured early 🙂

  4. Beth says:

    My little fur beast tends to like the break up the days with “I’m hungry, no really this time, I’m hungry. Well, looks like I may need a snack” or “heyphh, looo… wah in muh mouff!!!!” as he gently paws at the door while a fat lizard is sticking out of his face. Everyone says he’s bringing me a “thank you” or pitying me since I can’t hunt, but he and I know he’s just showing off with no intention of sharing (thankfully), thus, I have no intention of letting him in with that.

    In terms of not being able to stay focused long, I’m reminded of the song from The Sound of Music – particularly the descriptions the nuns use on Maria. I may be a flibertijibbiet.

    Big big big hugs to you and the realm as we enter these dog days. Where are the cat days? I guess Molly and friends deserve some special days – a shame they couldn’t be the “dog days of Fall”.

    Ok, off to flit away and maybe drool while staring at the walls. WOO walls!!! 🙂

    Hope you all are doing fantastic!!!

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