I was at lunch today watching an episode of The Great British Baking Show when my regular pest control guy came by for the bi-monthly eviction of pests. Toodles ants! Not that what I was watching is particularly important to the story, it’s just a fun fact (you’re welcome). The contestants were busily creating Baked Alaskas (Alaskans?) a dessert I was only aware of thanks to the movie Mister Frost. (Isn’t that how everyone learns about desserts – movies where Jeff Goldblum is the devil? No?) More fun facts!

Anyway, he’s a nice enough fellow who manages to keep critters at bay, and I appreciate that in a person. Like the time April came by and relocated a face-hugging grasshopper or that time April came by and relocated a Kingsnake. (Seriously, I just learned that is one word – see, even MORE fun facts – you’re really benefitting from my wisdom today. Good thing you stopped by. You also learned that April has mad pest removal skills. She’s kind of great.) People who remove and or stomp things on my behalf are pretty up there in my hierarchy of cool people. Maslowe can have his needs. I have my cool. Pyramid to come. Watch this space.

Y’know how some folks have that one thing they can’t live without? Their “treat yo’selfs”? Well, for me, that’s pest control. True story for the Dirty Jobs fans: the only episode of Dirty Jobs that was too much – the pest control episode(s). (Why was there more than one?!?!? Why?!?!?) I’m not particularly squeamish, but let’s just say that on the night the first one aired Jay had to find another show for us to watch; it was just a little bit too dirty.

Anyway…

We chatted about the rude ants who’d stormed the walls not once but twice after a couple of storms a few weeks ago. He agreed they were out of line, which they were, especially since they decided biting might be fun. I didn’t agree, but rolling them into smushy balls for their afront to my person was. He asked me to come outside to look at a window he found concerning. “It’s broken. I just thought you’d like to know.” I moved to get a better angle and said, “no, you can see the clouds reflected in the spot you say is broken – that’s just an odd reflection of something.” He reached over and plucked a cat hair from my shirt, weird, don’t touch me, but ok. Then offered to look up in the attic just to confirm. He goes up, sees the window isn’t broken, comes back down, and swaps places with me so I can also confirm. As I headed up the attic ladder, “what does your tattoo say?” (I have two arrows crossed on my ankle with a set of coordinates. The arrows represent crossed paths, and the coordinates are a location where I met some of the most important people in my life.) The glass wasn’t broken. I climbed back down.

He then goes about spreading bait around the perimeter of my house.

I return to my show. Baked Alaskas/kans here I come! “I see you!” he hollers through my open living room window as he passes beneath. “Ok!” I sigh. I watch a bit more and then throw in the towel to move away from the window. Will Diane’s meringue be stiff enough and toasted perfectly? Who knows? I decide to wait to find out.

A text pops up on my phone “so and so has completed their service” – the same text I get at the end of every completed service, but this time his photo appears. “Hrmm… that’s new.” I ignore it and prepare to return to work. The doorbell rings. “I finished.” Okie dokie. Good job. I got the text. I didn’t really need another confirmation. I’m ready to shut the door. “I just have to take a risk.” Then he gestures to me, palm flat as he waves his arm about in the air, “I want all of that all over me.” I’m genuinely confused. Is there something on the house? On the porch? What could he possibly want all over him? I don’t see anything that could be spread. I furrow my brow, “What?” He says it again using the same gesture, “I want that all over me. Would that be something you’d be interested in?” Ew. “No.” “Oh, ok. I just had to take the risk. I hope you don’t mind.” I mind. He leaves.

Also, does that line work on someone? Anyone??? Is “Would you care to have dinner with me?” “Would you be interested in coffee some time?” out of style?? We now just go straight to, “I want that…” “that”??? the fuck you say as you’re gesturing to me???? I’m not a “that” “…all over me.”

Yeah… so that happened today.

I can’t get a date with a decent guy who finds me interesting or attractive, but hey I’m a pretty big damn deal to the creepy pest control guy thanks to my “that”. Yay?

If there’s a Heaven, and there better be, I get to punch Jay in the throat now four times before I say hello.