Jay

  • Last Breath

    “How do you honor Jay?” I stared back at the counselor as I mentally rolled through all the things I felt I should say – trite words and ideas designed to fill in a perceived silence. “You don’t have to answer now, just think about it.” I did. Then I reached out to an artist…

  • Never Forgotten

    The calendar, a gift – each page a celebration of intellect and talent – from dream to design. Ideas turned into form. Genius I vaguely grasp. My mind moves to simpler things. Dates I flip through and find everyone acknowledged, birthdays dancing through the pages, but not his. There’s no cause to celebrate. Only memories…

  • A Great Day for a Walk

    Yesterday, 19 people – friends and family – walked in memory of Jay. Yesterday, our team joined 186 other teams in promoting the mission of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention to “save lives and bring hope to those affected by suicide.  [They] create a culture that’s smart about mental health by engaging in the following core…

  • A Reminder

    In September of 2016 I spoke to my friend Kelly, a Chinese linguist who had been in Military Intelligence for years, and asked him about the symbol lì.  Kelly explained: “Lì is the character for “power” or “physical force”. Lì is added to some characters to mean the type of strength. Tì is the character for “body”.…

  • More Than One Event

    Through the years…   … and he was so much more than that one single event. He was beautiful, funny, and kind; the smartest person I knew. My favorite person. My best friend.

  • July 9, 2016

    WARNING: The following post contains certain details regarding Jay’s suicide, and the aftermath. It may be inappropriate for some readers. Did you know? My question in return: Can you tell? At what point in that text exchange would you get Jay help? Tell me. Please. What is it you think I missed? I was exhausted…

  • The Unspoken Cutoff Date

    Seventeen Days In seventeen days it will be the second anniversary of Jay’s death. There have been two missed anniversaries, 24 missed monthiversaries, and four missed birthday celebrations (both mine and his). I count each one. And it’s been heavily implied that time is running out. I should stop mourning. I need to pack those…

  • Assigning Blame

    If you followed the recent news, you may have noticed that we lost two beloved celebrities last week. And I’m here to tell you that their loss had zero real impact on my life. By that same token, I also recognize that their deaths strongly impacted those around me, and they definitely impacted their friends,…

  • Happy Anniversary

    “Happy Anniversary” Jay’s whisper floated through the haze of my dreams every year on this day – spoken as he went to bed late in the night. “Happy Anniversary,” my groggy reply. “I love you.” Today is the second year I woke up after midnight and whispered into the air that wish to an empty…

  • Jay Anthony Utz: 2/25/1976 – 7/9/2016

    Jay Anthony Utz: 2/25/1976 – 7/9/2016

    There wasn’t an official obituary announcing to the world the loss of my husband. Of all the things we had to deal with that day, and for the days that followed, this was one we pushed to the side. If you planned well, or worked with any funeral service, someone will likely handle this detail.…